Watermelons

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"

I'm Joking

A man from the census bureau was doing a door-to-door survey. He knocked on the door of one house and was greeted by a young boy. The man asked the child if anybody else was home and when the boy shook his head, he decided nevertheless to try to get the information he needed.
"May I please know your father's first name?" The boy answered, "My father's name is Laughing." Although the name surprised the census man, he pressed on. "And your mother's name?" the boy replied, "Her name is Smiling," the boy replied.
The man quipped, "Wait a minute, little boy! Are you kidding?" "No, that's my sister," the boy answered. "I'm Joking!"

Relax!

A Doctor diagonised a patient's condition as too much worrying over money matters. "Relax, he ordered. "Just two weeks ago I had another fellow here and he couldn't pay his tailor's bills, so I told him to forget about them and now he feels great."
"I know," said the patient, "I'm his tailor."

Goldfish

Little Tinku was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tinku?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tinku tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tinku patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

300 cockroaches

A Young man went into a pet-shop and asked for 300 cockroaches, 6 rats, 29 spiders.

"I am sorry sir," said the petshop manager, "but we can only supply the rats. Why do you need others?"

"I was thrown out of my flat this morning and the landlord said I must leave the place exactly as I found it."