Count one to ten

Husband: You get angry very fast.
Wife: Yes, but what can I do?
Husband:When angry, count one to ten.
Wife:How would that help?
Husband:I'll get enough time to run away.

Watermelons

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.

He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"

I'm Joking

A man from the census bureau was doing a door-to-door survey. He knocked on the door of one house and was greeted by a young boy. The man asked the child if anybody else was home and when the boy shook his head, he decided nevertheless to try to get the information he needed.
"May I please know your father's first name?" The boy answered, "My father's name is Laughing." Although the name surprised the census man, he pressed on. "And your mother's name?" the boy replied, "Her name is Smiling," the boy replied.
The man quipped, "Wait a minute, little boy! Are you kidding?" "No, that's my sister," the boy answered. "I'm Joking!"

Relax!

A Doctor diagonised a patient's condition as too much worrying over money matters. "Relax, he ordered. "Just two weeks ago I had another fellow here and he couldn't pay his tailor's bills, so I told him to forget about them and now he feels great."
"I know," said the patient, "I'm his tailor."

Goldfish

Little Tinku was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tinku?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tinku tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Tinku patted down the last heap of earth, then replied, "That's because he's inside your cat."

300 cockroaches

A Young man went into a pet-shop and asked for 300 cockroaches, 6 rats, 29 spiders.

"I am sorry sir," said the petshop manager, "but we can only supply the rats. Why do you need others?"

"I was thrown out of my flat this morning and the landlord said I must leave the place exactly as I found it."

It's the Plumber

A woman owned a parrot that could say only one thing - "Who is it? For years and years she had been trying to teach it to extend its vocabulary, but it resolutely refused to utter anything other than "who is it?"

One day she had sent for the plmber, and as had to go out shopping she arranged for him to find the key under the mat outside the front door. The plumber duly, arrived, found the key, let himself in and set to work. Naturally the parrot, hearing someone in the house with an unfamiliar tread, decided to give a recital. "Who is it?" called the parrot. "The Plumber!" called replied the workman. Hearing a strange voice the parrot again decided to utter his one and only phrase "who is it?"

The parrot was not satisfied - he wanted to see who the stranger was. "who is it?" he called again, and again the plumber yelled out "It's the plumber!?" and again and again the poor bewindered plumber responded - It's the plumber! It's the plumber! IT'S THE PLUMBER!" Eventually in a fury he roamed the house, going from room to room trying to find out who was calling him - but he failed to realize that it was the parrot. For a whole hour this went on, with him dashing around the house, growing increasingly desperate, and shouting out, "Its the plumber!" until eventually the wretched man fainted in the hall.

Just at that moment the mistress of the house entered, saw the unconscious figure on the carpet and said, "Who is it?

The parrot replied, "It's the plumber!"

Punishment

This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says "No, please show me the next room".

Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.

Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.

So the guy says, "I'll choose this room". Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "Well, it could be worse", when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says "O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!"

What did you say?

To prove the theory that music charms to soothe the savage beast, a noted violinist journeyed into the heart of the African jungle. As he went there, a huge gorilla, a hungry lion, and a mean bull elephant approached, sniffed the air, and then stood motionless, listening to the lovely selctions the violinist played. Suddenly a snarling panther crashed onto the scene. With one leap he reached the violinist and tore him to shreds.

The lion roared, "You've got some nerve. For the first time in our lives we've heard beutiful music. We'll never have a chance to hear such glorious music again. Why did you do that?"

The panther looked at the lion, cupped his paw to his ear and said, "What did you say?"

Why do we have......?

A camel decided to educate his son who he suspected was getting a little inquisitive.

"Why do we have two humps?" asked the son. "That's so that we can go for days and weeks without water. We can store it in the humps."

"Why do we have very long eye lashes?" "That," he was told, "is to protect the eyes from the sand in a sand storm."

"And why do we have bulb like feet?" "That is so that we can travel twice as fast through the desert."

"Dad," asked the young camel, "What the hell are we doing in this zoo?"

Mystery

There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11..! . Judy, The part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that she could! ! ! ! use the vacuum cleaner.

New Job

An unemployed guy got a new job at the zoo. They offered him to dress up in a gorilla's skin and pretend to be a gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.

On his first day on the job, the guy puts on the skin and goes into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. He starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring.

During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help!"

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!"

Silence please!

A man enters a library and walks up to the librarian at the desk and says loudly, "I'd like a cheeseburger with fries!".
The librarian replies in whispered tones, "But sir, this is a library!".
Coming to his senses, the man replies in a whispered tone, "Can I please have a cheeseburger with fries" .

Important event in 1872!

Teacher: `Tell me Ajay what important event took place in 1869?`

Ajay: `Gandhiji was born that year.`

Teacher: `and in 1872?`

Ajay: `Gandhiji was three years old!`

Solving crisis - Three Envelopes

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".

E-mails - Team Leader to HR

e-mail one

Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found

hard at work in his cubicle. Joe works independently, without

wasting company time talking to colleagues. Joe never

thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always

finishes given assignments on time. Often Joe takes extended

measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping

coffee breaks. Joe is an individual who has absolutely no

vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound

knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Joe can be

classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be

dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Joe be

promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be

executed as soon as possible.

Regards,

Project Leader

e-mail two

Attention: Human Resources

Joe Smith was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines [1, 3, 5, etc.] for my true assessment of his ability.

Regards,

Project Leader

Bad and worse!!

Doctor: I've got a 'bad' news and a 'worse' news for you!
Patient: What's the bad news?
Doctor: Your Report says that you are goin to live only 24 hrs!
Patient: Oh.. god! Whats the worse news then?
Doctor: This is yesterday's Report!

Brave woman

A man & wife entered a dentist's office. The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."
You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is.
The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

Observation

A professor teaching medicine at the university was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste." After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth." Lesson learned!

Stopped by the police

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!" The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."